Unconditional Love

I can recall clearly that, as I matured into an adult, my Mother never once told me what to do. I would sit with her and discuss any concerns I had or decisions I had to make, and she would proceed to ask me questions, motivating me to challenge my own thinking. By the time we concluded these discussions, I usually always found myself in a comfortable place, confident that I knew what I was going to do or how I felt about a particular concern I had raised.

It was never about right or wrong but more about choices and learning about oneself. If any of the choices I made did not work out as well as I thought they would, or indeed hoped, we would regroup and review the situation. She supported every choice, knowing that she had instilled in me intrinsic values which would ultimately withstand the rigours I put on myself; after all this was not about her life, but her helping me through mine.

One of her mantras was independence; she believed that one had to be comfortable with oneself in order to successfully grow as a person, to be authentic and to embrace what life delivers, or indeed what you are able to pluck from it, with fervour.

She also had a great love for other people that entered her life, and displayed exactly the same attitude and support for them as she did to my brother and I. Shortly before her death, and before the cancer in her brain restricted her ability to articulate, we sat together and talked. I was feeling jealous that her friends were taking precious time from me. Selfishly, I told her how much I would miss her and she smiled saying that she would miss me too and we both laughed, with tears streaming down our faces. During that same conversation, she explained that she had changed her mind and that she no longer wanted to be cremated; she now wanted to be buried instead. I asked her why, and she said “I am not sure David, maybe I am just hedging my bets” and we both laughed again.

My Mother was not religious; though she did make sure my brother and I were exposed to it so we could make our own choices later in life. Having said that, she was, in terms of fundemental Christian values, one of the most Christian people I have had the honour to spend time with. Being cremated or buried is irrelevant when it comes to such matters I am sure, and I doubt that her last minute change of mind would hold sway with the final decision maker. I would hope though, that how she led her life and the unconditional love that she demonstrated to so many people did.

She was buried as she requested, and in the last 21 years since her death, I have only visited her grave twice. I doubt I shall go back again as it is unimportant, as I carry her with me always. It is at times like these, when I recollect the conversations we had and I see her face vividly smiling at me that I realise how much I miss her.

I hope that I have the courage to support my children in the same way, to provide them with values that enable them to choose how to live their lives and that we too have many conversations which will affect their lives positively, so they enjoy life fully and pass on this legacy to their children- if they choose to have any.

I also hope that that Tom & Ben respect the choices I have made in the past as well as the ones I am making now.

With Love